Passing Gas, er, Notes
by Anomaly-Anomaly
Summary: Story is still up purely because I need to beta.
1. Edward Newton and Mike Cullen

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, It's characters or the idea of note passing. I just thought I'd try it out.**

_Bella_, **Edward ****Mike****:** Biology

_Eddie?_

**What?**

_Mike is staring at me._

**I'm staring at you, Bella.**

_Mike's writing on my paper!_

**It's Edward.**

_EDWARD!!!! MIKE'S SAYING THAT HE'S YOU!!!!_

**God. Bella? Lay off the Dew. **

_Screw the Dew, Mike, I want Edward. NOW!_

**Fine, Bella, I'll go get Edward.**

Edward gets up out of his seat and the whole class watches as he goes over to Mike Newton, taps him on the shoulder, and whispers something in his ear. Mike stands up and sits down in Edward's seat.

_Hey Edward._

**Bella, I'm Mike. **

_NO!!!! WHAT???_

_So…so all this was a lie?! _

**Er…**

_Are you really a vampire?_

**Uh… no?**

_You're a womanizer, Mike Newton!_

**Thank God, you think I'm Mike again.**

_Womanizer-woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer- oh womanizer- oh, you're a womanizer baby._

Mike pounded his fist on the table.

"I'm not a flippin' womanizer!"

The whole class goes silent.

The teacher walks over to their table.

"Would you mind reading your note aloud?" He asked Bella.

Bella jumps out of her seat with the note.

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!!!" She screams. "YOU'RE NOT A SPARKLY VAMPIRE."

Luckily the bell rings.

"Thank God." Edward mutters.

**Ha, ha, hope you like it.**

**I'll post the best review next chapter okay?**


	2. Edward is a pig Latin!

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, **_**yet**_

**So, erm, I hope you like it. Remember, I'll pick the best review for each chapter and post it.**

_Meester-Meelon?_

**Yes, Bella, what is is?**

_I'm talking to you mister!_

**Yes, I know.**

_You DO know. OHHH YOU GOT PWND!!!! _**(A/N txt for owned)**

**Okay, let's say I did get "pwnd"**

_You admitted it!_

…

…

…

_What were we talking about?_

**I'm just going to say, I don't remember.**

_Wait!_

**You know, you can just look back.**

_Oh!_

**Great, I suck.**

_Yes you do!_

… **:'( **

_Sorry!_

**You should be!**

_Le gasp!_

**You speak French.?**

_Yep!_

**Bonjour, belle.**

_What-ell?_

**Hola bonita?**

Whatever, Eddie.

**What language did you take for electives then?**

…

…

_PIGLATIN!!!!_

**Kayoay, hatway oday ouyay antway otay alktay boutbay? (Okay, what do you want to talk about?)**

_Atway?(What?)_

**Evernay indmay. (Never mind)**

_I dare you to do it._

**Fine!**

Edward raises his hand.

"Mr. Cullen?" The teacher asked.

"Hatway siay hetay quaresay ootray foay iepay?" _(What is the square root of pie?)_

Everyone stared.

"Reaay ouyay oingay otay nsweraay? Ustjay aysay omethingsay!"_ (Are you going to answer? Just say something!)_

The teacher just stared at him.

Edward sighed. "Ooklay," He said slowly. "Iay _avehay_ otay oday histay." _(Look… I have to do this.)_

"Please Mr. Cullen, sit down."

Edward stomped his foot. "Otnay ntilnay ouyay nsweraay ymay uestionquay!" _(Not until you answer my question!)_

Bella laughed and everyone's attention turned to her. She clutched her sides, falling off the side of the chair.

"Istay ustjay hetay ountainmay ewday." Edward announced. _(Just blame the Mountain Dew.)_

**Okay, so the winner of the last chapter was Anaa-pixie-**

**this is a freaking awesome story if u dont continue you will be punished severely! an awesome story like this deserves a reward even if it only has one chapter lol  
you must keep writing! i will force u!  
your biggest fan  
~anaa-pixie**


	3. Because I'm a Legally Blonde

**I know everybody doesn't care about these things so I have to have something really important at the top. Oh! What am I supposed to put here?!**

**Disclaimer: I am not a legally blonde nor is Twilight or my elevator.**

**-**

_I am a legally blonde_

**What?**

_I am a legally blonde; you got a problem with that?_

**Ye- no, no I don't.**

_Because I am a legally blonde_

**No Bella, because I don't want to argue about your hair colour**

_You spelled color wrong. It's C-O-L-O-R not C-O-L-O-U-R_

**So? It's technically correct**

_Not in my legally blonde brain_

**ARG!!!!**

_What the heck, Edward. What the heck?_

**Bella, you're not blonde**

_I am too legally blonde_

**You are not legally blonde…**

**AHH!!!! **_**I'm**_** doing it now!**

_You are sick, Edward, just sick. _

**Bella, look at your hair. It's brown. (A/N, I actually accidentally typed 'blonde' here) **

_YOUR hair is blonde, Edward._

**No it's not, it's bronze**

_So it's blonde?_

**No.**

_Yes. _

**No.**

_Yes._

**No. **

_Yes._

**No.**

_No._

**Yes.**

_I WON!!!!_

**So? It doesn't change your hair colour**

_COLOR!!!!_

**Bella…**

_Blonde, my new name is Bella-blonde_

**And why is that?**

_Because my Mountain dew is blonde._

_-_

**Remember to enter the reviewer contest. I updated so fast that I didn't really get a chance to find one, so I'll choose two for the next chapter.**


	4. Hanny Montanny Made Me a Rock Star

**Don't have much to say, just read.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephanie Meyer, this sucks**

**Edward **_Bella_

_-_

_I am a rock star, Edward_

**Sure, Bella**

_Now bow at my feet_

**No**

_Yes_

**I refuse to do that**

_No you can't because I am a rock star_

**Bella, who gave you that idea?**

_Hanny Montanny_

**Hannah Montana?**

_Nope! It's Bucky Kentucky!_

**Right, Bella, right**

_Are you a Hannah or a Miley?_

**Definitely a Miley**

_Who's Miley?_

**I don't know, you said it**

_No I didn't_

**You asked "Are you a Hannah or a Miley and I said I'm a Miley." **

_Because you're a girl_

**Bella, I am not a girl**

_Yes you are_

**No, I am not**

_Prove it._

**I- uh…**

_Do it Edward!_

**No! I refuse!**

_But you must!_

**No. No. NO!**

_Mike wants you to_

**And I don't want him to- wait, WHAT!?**

_Mike, thinks you're hot._

**No he doesn't**

**I would know**

_Yes, you WOULD know. Wouldn't you –wiggles eyebrows-_

**I have no intention of commenting on that statement **

_Because you just know it's true_

**-NO COMMENT-**

_MIKEY WIKEY AND EDDY WEDDY_

**Bella let me say this clearly.**

**I. AM. YOUR. **_**BOY**_**FRIEND.**

_Sure, and I'm a rock star (sarcasm intended)_

**And why are you a rock star Bella**

_Because, my Mountain dew told me too._

_-_

**MOUNTAIN DEW!!! Luv it ;)**

**Reviewers:**

**MissMusicLover:**

**OMG U GOTTA HURRY PLEASE or else i wil bite u and stalku NOW HURRY. ITS TO GOOD  
~MissMusicLover**

**& seacretly_batman:**

**i love this story. when i saw mountain dew i had to read it because i have a friend who is addictited to mountain dew only unfortunatly she does not act like that unless she goes a day without it and i dont have any classes with her so i never get to see it other than at lunch. :(**

~twilighter_2014/seacretly_batman~ (it may not say thats my screen name but i am about to change so go with witchever one you want to.)


	5. The Evil Kiwi of DOOM!

**So this one is **_**all **_**anaa-pixie, she PMed me and told me ALL about the Evil Kiwi of DOOM story. Yeah, I know she rocks!**

**Disclimer: This one isn't me at all, it's Stephanie Meyers and Anaa's**

**--**

At lunch

_Bella_ **Edward**

--

_Edward?_

**Bella**

_Why are kiwis hairy?_

**Er, so they don't get eaten?**

_No, that's not it_

**Then tell me what it is**

_It's so you can braid them!_

**Can you though?**

_Do what?_

**Braid them.**

_Why on earth would you do that?_

**Because I'm in love with a- er… never mind**

_WHAT AM I?_

**A… kiwi?**

_Oh, that's alright then_

**Because they're hairy-**

_Because they're ha- wait _

_DON'T FINISH MY SENTENSES… _

_WHY WON'T THIS KIWI PEEL?_

**Maybe it's because you're using a plastic spork**

_Grrr, AH, Gotit- oh_

**--**

**Bella wrestles with her kiwi and spork for a while, just when she finishes it falls to the ground.**

**--**

_WAAAAAA, EDWARDDDDDDD!!!_

**Bella.**

_EVIL KIWI!!!!! IT'S A MEANIE-KIWI!!!!!!_

**You can just take mine; I'm not going to eat it anyway.**

_Thankies Edward!_

**--**

**Edward hands her his kiwi and she starts to peel it.**

**--**

_Why do kiwi's have hair_

**So you can braid them?**

_No, so you can call them werewolves_

**You are spending too much time around Jacob**

_No, YOU are_

**I don't spend ANY time around your dog**

_Hee hee, he's my little puppy dog_

**Whatever, Bella**

_My kiwi still won't peel_

**Here**

**--**

Edward takes the kiwi away from her and quickly skins it with the spork.

"There you go."

"YAY!!!!"

Bella takes a huge bite out of the green fruit and then chokes, spitting it out of her mouth.

"YUCK!!!" She screams. "THE EVIL KIWIS OF DOOM!!!!!!! IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!!!!A CONSPIRACY!!!!!! THEY ARE ALL IN ON THIS EVIL PLOT!!!!!!!!!"

"Er… Bella?" Edward mumbles motioning to the whole cafeteria staring.

"WHAT?! IT'S A MEANIE KIWI!!!!! "

Bella starts to cry.

"What's wrong?" Edward asks, carefully wiping away the tears.

"They all hate me and will murder me in my sleep." Bella wipes her nose.

"And it got on Larry." She sobbed.

"Who's 'Larry?'"

"My Mountain Dew."

--

**So, review if you like it, if you have any idea's you know how to find me**

**Ps. I am sorry to Seacretly- Batman about my raving, you know what I mean .)**


	6. Let's Go Find the Mermaids!

**Sorry, sorry! Drag me over the coals if you want! I was busy working on an un-fanfiction story and I kind of got distracted. –cries- So please forgive me as you laf your taffy off of your rear, butt, gluteus maximus, bottom, totty horn, and whatever else you feel inclined to call it.**

**Disclaimer: I (do not) own Twilight!**

**--**

_We must find the mermaids!_

…

**I am not here**

_Yes you are, Edward, we must go find the mermaids_

**Please, no!**

_Eddy_

**But mermaids aren't real!**

_Vampires are real so mermaids must me too._

**Yes, but you forget that us vampires are essentially human**

_So are mermaids!_

**They have FINS!**

_Because they live in the water_

**How do they breathe then?**

_YOU don't breathe_

**I am a vampire**

_They are mermaids_

**I don't want to argue about this anymore**

_I do_

**Bella, please?**

_No, I wanna find the mermaids_

**Why?**

_So that they can bite me and I can live with you forever_

**Mermaids can't bite**

_**I **__can bite, and I'm not a vampire yet_

**You're never going to be a vampire, Bella**

_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

**I am patiently waiting for you to stop**

_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

**Bella, please?**

_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

**Fine! Fine! Vampirism on its way**

_Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_

**Just kidding Bella**

_Kidding about what?_

**Kidding about the vampire**

_What vampire?_

**Me**

_You?_

_Who are you?_

_STALKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**Sure, Bella, sure**

_Wat da fudge!_

**I can turn you into a vampire.**

_Really!_

**Yes, yes, -boy oh boy do I love sarcasm-**

_What's sarcanadian?_

**You are SO smart!**

_Thank you! :D _

**Well at least the mountain dew is smart.**

**--**

**So the story on this chapter is, I had a dream about a mermaid vampire, woke in a sweat and decided I wanted it to bite me and live forever with the love of my life. **

**The sarcasm thing my friend Akira came up with.**


	7. Sleepy Dew

_Blah_

**What? Are you okay?**

_Nnn…_

**Bella! I'll drive you to the hospital!**

_I'm fine…snnnrrrrrrrrrr…_

…

**And she falls asleep -.-**

_-Snore-_

**Should I leave?**

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Grrrr_

**Are you sure you don't need Carlisle?**

_No! I just need a Dew!_

**What do you mean "I need a Dew?"**

_I HAVE'NT HAD CAFFINE TODAY!_

**Oh…**

_I-I d-d-don't feel good –sob-_

--

Bella coughs and her head hits the table

--

Bella, Bella! Are you okay?!

--

Edward raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.

"Bella fell asleep," He announces to the whole class. "May I take her to the cafeteria?"

The teacher stares at him for a moment, opens his mouth and closes it.

"Go."

Edward carries Bella out of the room bridal style.

"Goodbye Edward!" Mike shouts.

"What the frizz?" Eric calls out using a more descriptive word than the one typed by the author.

--

Three minutes later, after Edward had gotten a Mountain Dew from the vending machine and poured it down Bella's throat.

"W-what happened?" She stuttered.

Edward held out the can.

"Oh, oh!"

Bella grins maliciously and chugs the rest of the cam.

--

Bella charges into the classroom.

"WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screams waving her arms over her head.

"I AM THE MONSTER OF THE DEW!"

Edward shakes his head.

"What Dew?" Mike calls out.

Bella puts her hands on her hips. "The Mountain Dew, you server of baloney."


	8. The Evil Spongebob Voodoo Doll

**Sorry for not updating! I suck, I know.**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight. I do, however, own this wonderful can of Mountain Dew sitting in front of me.**

_Bella,_ **Edward,** Alice

**--**

**MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!**

_Kill the doll!!!!!!!!_

**Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!**

I hate Spongebob

_I hate Spongebob_

**I hate Spongebob, Patric, Sandy… I like Gary**

_Gary is our evil bus driver._

We don't have a bus driver Bella 

_Oh…_

_Well then he's our evil lunch lady._

**I like snails**

_ALICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**What? I stole Edward's sharpie**

So I took Alice's red flair

**I do love red flairs, they remind me of blood. **

**--**

**So now it's**

**Alice **Edward _Bella_

_--_

**I made a Spongebob voodoo doll.**

_Let's suck it's blood._

Sponges don't have blood

**True dat**

_-cries-_

**-picks nose-**

_Wat da heck!?!_

Alice, cut it out. Mike's staring

_Oh! What's he thinking?!_

He's thinking that –and this is his words not mine- 

"If Ally-poo wasn't outshone by my Bella, I would so beat the crap out of that Jasper kid.

…

…

**ALLY POO?!?!**

_MY Bella!?!?!_

**That evil spongebob voodoo doll**

_It cursed us all!!!_

Let us end it…. MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

_Who are you!?!_

Alice

**I took my sharpie back**

K, good riddance

_To what? _

The mountain dew with Spongebob's face on it. 

It was creeping me out so I threw it out the window.

_Good, but give me the dew first next time._


	9. Whale is My Native Language

_AHOOOO_

**Are you alright?**

_MAAHHH NARRRROOO_

**I'll take that as a yes.**

_SSSSSOOOOOOONNAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW_

**Why thank you.**

_YAAAAAWWWWWWWWOOOO_

**NOOOWARRREEEE**

_Edward! My butt is not blue!_

**I never said it was,**

**I said "I love you"**

_Oh, Awww! I love you too!_

**Can you do me a favor though?**

_Anything (: _

**Do you really mean that?**

_No, what do you want me to do?_

**Can you stop speaking whale?**

_But what if I don't want to?_

**Please? For me?**

_Fine –grumbles-_

**Yes!**

_Never mind, I lied._

**Grr**

_I am a lying whale_

**Why do you insist on using "Whale-talk"**

_Why? Because whale is my native language._

**It cannot be your native language**

_It can too._

**Bella, you are HUMAN, does that mean anything to you?**

_Human… Human, nope, doesn't mean a thing._

_---_

Edward slams his fist down onto the Cullen family table. "Gosh darn you Bella!" He yells, noting in his mind that the author edited his choice words.

Bella stares wide eyed at him for a second before snorting and quickly turning around to sit backwards on her chair.

"Mom," Bella calls.

Edward freezes, "You didn't," he whispered.

"EDWARD TOLD ME TO GO TO HECK!" Bella also notes that the author edited her speech. "KURAN STOP CHANGING MY WORDS!"

Kuran shrugs, "I can't help it if I don't swear."

Edward stands up, "Kuran, help me I'll-"

And suddenly Edward feels super hyper and runs to the computer turning on icarly and screaming as cabbages fall from the sky.

"And so, my friends," Kuran laughs. "A little bit of Mountain Dew can save the day."

Bella stands up suddenly, "MOUNTAIN DEW?!?!?! WHERE!?!?!"

**I hope everyone enjoyed that, if you wish you can leave a little present in my yard. (And no, I do not mean dog poo)**

**(: Kuran. **


	10. Bob Banner

_Edward, this might crush you._

**I am a vampire, I cannot **_**be**_** crushed.**

_I do still love you but there's another._

**-Gasp- It's that Jacob Black isn't it! I always knew you fancied him!**

_No, no, not the dog, he's just an idiot. –Stares into space-_

**So-so you're going to leave me? We had so much!**

_I know, Edward, but right now I wish to sound like a soap opera lady. _

_So Goodbye, my love! _

**No! Bella! Don't leave me!**

_Dearest Mr. Banner…_

**What the h-ot Peppers? **

…

**Da-rn you Kuran.**

I know, It's my job –smirks-

_I wish to announce my undying love for you._

_Yep, that works._

--

Bella stands up in front of the whole class in the middle of biology.

"Dearest Mr. Banner," She says, completely serious. "I love you."

Mr. Banner looks horrified.

Mike Newton raises an eyebrow.

Edward screams.

"Stop being a baby," Bella scolds him and turns back to Mr. Banner. "May I call you Bob?" She asks.

"Uh…"

"So, what do you feel?"

"Uh…"

"You aren't a man of words are you? Well, that's alright, Edward talked too much anyways."

The whole class was silent.

"T-this is insane…" Mr. Banner finally stutters.

Bella grabs onto his arm. "But I love you, Bob."

Mr. Banner slides out of her grasp. He mutters something like "Sexual harassment" and tears out of the room.

"Well?" Bella shrugs. "Edward, you are officially un-dumped. Now bring me a Mountain Dew."

Edward stays frozen for a second before tearing out of the room after Mr. Banner.

"What the f-rench fries." Mike Newton mutters.

--

**I give credit from this chapter to Anaa-pixie.**


	11. The Electric Chair's Gunna Kill Edward

_Bella, _**Edward, **Alice, Emmett

_--_

_I am so sad._

…

_Aren't you gunna ask why?_

**Fine then, why?**

_Because Charlie's gunna kill you in the electric chair._

**Why? Does that make you sad?**

_-Gasp-_

_If you die I die too!_

**So?**

_-Falls over sideways-_

**Weirdo… **

_YOU ARE SO MEAN EDWARD!!_

**I am so sorry Bella! Alice put me up to it!!**

**Why is Charlie going to kill me in the electric chair?**

_Because you stole my soul._

**-Eyes widen-**

**But I haven't done that yet…**

_Fangs!_

**Fangs!**

Fangs!

FANGS!

Yo wazzup peeps?

Not much fo-shizzle

_Edwards just gunna die on the electric chair. _

-Le gasp!-

What do you mean Banana Girl?

**Banana Girl?**

_-ignoring-_

_Edward stole my soul so Charlie's gunna kill him._

I wonder if he'll get a Mountain Dew as a last request…

That's stupid!

He should get at least 300.

_Stop! –cries-_

_Edward's death is making me sad._

**But I can't die!**

_-ignored_**-**

_Alright, Alice, Emmett start getting the dew. We must me this the best-last-day ever._

**I DON'T WANT MOUNTAIN DEW!**

_-Le gasp!-_

-Le gasp-

-Le gasp!-

**I'm not going to die anyways.**

_Oh… well, that's nice honey._


	12. Sausage Face!

_Will you lick my butt-sausage? _

**I'm not going to dignify that with a response**

_Huh? Why? I didn't say anything wrong_

**Bella, don't even ask, just move on.**

_Please? It's lonely!_

**What do I have to do?**

_Get yours!_

**-Chokes-**

_Cummon Eddy!_

**What am I even supposed to do with a butt-sausage?!**

_Eat it, silly._

**No. I refuse.**

_Ple-_

**SAY IT ONE MORE TIME AND YOU LOSE MY LOVE!**

_You awful twit._

Yo peeps, wazzup?

_HMN!_

**HMN!**

What's the matter?

**It's all Bella's fault.**

_IS NOT!_

**IS TOO!**

-snickers- Snot Stew.

-

**So this is probably going to be the last chapter. Twilight from this-point-on is ruined for me and I am discontinuing all stories concerning it. I will leave them up if I get feedback but they are not going to be getting any attention and updates will be few and scarce between.**

**Thank you,**

**Kuran**


End file.
